i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
