I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
