My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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