hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
