he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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