as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
