If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
