I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize