guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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