she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Randomize
