I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
