totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
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