Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
