I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And then my night got REAL pukey
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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