so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize