My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
