Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
