i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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