...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
