found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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