Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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