i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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