; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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