i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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