and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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