yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
