I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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