He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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