Soap is not a condiment
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
