The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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