got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
