My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
