you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
