I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
