I faked an abortion last night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
sex in a hospital.. check
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
