Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize