I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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