we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
