Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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