she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
