Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
