Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
