Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
