Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
