Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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