I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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