one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
