Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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