A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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