My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
