Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
whose parrot is this?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize