My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
