im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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