How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
You smell like a Billy Joel song
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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