o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize