a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
