Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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