As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
