Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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