I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
