College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
