I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
