I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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