she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
