my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
