I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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